Lately I have felt so stressed, I have found myself trying hide how I feel. I learned that I was going to be a parent and that my partner was pregnant. I was more than scared I was confused. The fact that I had been on hormones, I just did not think that a pregnancy was possible. How can I continue to hide my feelings?
I have at times had to live in a box when it comes to my gender, yet my thoughts and views of my gender remain complexed, I don’t want to prove to anyone who I am, I don’t affirm my gender for any of these people, this is my deep internal sense, this is my view on life, and what matters is that I am happy, what matters is that these people can not slap a label on me. The entire time that I have been at Edna Mayan Correctional Facility, I have dealt with all types of abuse and harassment, and email after email, I have had to advocate and demand equality and justice. Yes eventually you get tired you get fed up from dealing with a system that is beyond broken its designed to destroy youth and black and brown people, yes its working pretty well.
Everyone thinks that they can put a label on me, and because of society norms they expect me and others to live up to these expectations. The sad truth is for a while I think I tried to live up to these views and labels, and the truth is it was ripping me. Destroy the unique person who I am. When you see me, you see what? I am a person who is lovable who cares and above all who does not always fit into the gender binary. People often forget how inclusive my trans identity is. I won’t live up to what anyone’s label says. I am simply me, a woman who is not only transgender but who is also apart of a community that is colorful and often not able to fit into societies labels.
This month is Pride month and I decided to cut my hair, I simply was tired of begging my administration for the opportunity to get my hair braided, I was tired of having to walk around looking crazy because of my afro-style hair. When I asked to get my hair cut the officer responded “you gonna look less like a woman”…. Truthfully the statement pissed me off, because my hair style does not define who the hell I am…People are simply too damn ignorant to what the fuck gender identity is. I don’t live my life in the gender binary, and unlike many I don’t want you to even know who I am, until you speak with me, and get to know me. This is me, I am differential unique and above all I am a person.