I woke up today….And lately its been a fight ….fight after fight its vexing and often the root of my depression…. “Demi how are you dong today” that is the words everyone ask, and I respond… “I’m good” but no the reality is that I am breaking I am losing sight. I don’t respond with the truth, because the truth is too much for people to handle. If you tell people that you want to kill yourself, or that you think about cutting parts of your body off, they simply place you in a dirty smock and place you on suicide watch. They send you to the detention unit where most often you are harassed and called all types of names.
The truth is hidden, its the only way that you will make it around here, the truth can not be revealed. The sad part is that staff know how you feel and they are only waiting for those feelings of self loath and sadness to overwhelm you. I have never been so sad and unhappy in my life.
You walk into a room and people automatically move away from you….They laugh because of how you walk and talk. Others send you nasty ass letters explaining the things they wish they could do to you.
We speak about consent and abuse, yet DOC knows just how dangerous it is to place a transgender woman in a male prison, the system is broke, they know how likely it is for a transgender to be raped or abused, yet they turn a blind eye, placing a transgender woman in a male prison. We are a piece of meat thrown to the wolves….Who do we call out to? Where the fuck is our 911?
A few months ago, this very prison and on my unit, I watch a 21 year old Non-binary person kill themselves… As myself and others kicked the door and banged no one came, nearly a hour later it was discovered that the inmate was dead. In my head I hate how everyone was surprised how everyone acted as if they cared. Because of they cared than we would have the necessary programs in place to ensure we got better mental health. If they cared than we would not have to worry about constantly being under attack.
Every person dies, every person who cuts their self, it’s all preventable…Its all fixable of people cared. All this lock down shit and trying to treat inmates like we are not human is not working, they are building a dangerous problem that has become out of control, not just within my unit but throughout the jail, we have a bunch of fights and staff assaults which are often called over the loud speaker as “CODE 33” this alone causes anxiety and fear. No one can understand the walk that I go through and the struggle that I go through.
My prison administration believes that being strict and harsh helps maintain safety and security but the reality is that such treatment has not done anything it has not stopped the abuse and trouble within this facility.
So when they ask how am I doing I can’t help but to say “fine”… yet we all know the truth…Love your self because noone can love you better…